Stuck In A Place Where You Can’t Find A Way Out

Image You know when everything seems to be going wrong and you’re stuck in a place you just can’t seem to get out of and you can’t find the answer and still things seemed to pile up one on top of the other? And the problem for me, is that this is where my daughter is in life. And if I were in her shoes  I wouldn’t fret so much and I would give it up to a higher power and know that things will be handled one way or another. Patience, as they say, is a virtue. And this is where she is lacking.

Problem is, I am living with her since I have MS and am in a wheelchair. It has been 10 years now, and even though I have the most wonderful caretaker in the world, my wonderful Ethiopian aide Tanaye, who is here with me five days a week. My daughter needs a break from constantly thinking of my welfare day after day, with no end in sight. It Is wearing on her big time. There was no lack of love this I know for sure. And I know it is a big problem for family members who care for the elderly or disabled parents to find time to take care of themselves.

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Added to that, we have serious issues with our foundation on the house and pipes leaking underneath and so our hardwood floors are buckling and are a constant reminder of the problems lurking beneath. Dealing with this problem during her vacation week has brought much more stress to my daughter. And I dare not remind her of the much worse problems that other people are facing. Or that it does no good at all to worry and that it only makes things worse, gets you more depressed, and makes you feel like shit.

The gist of the problem is that she is now 40 years old, very pretty, never been married and has no children. She has had long-term relationships and yet has never felt the need to settle down with just one. One of them became a cocaine addict and that other was manic-depressive and committed suicide. So to say, she has issues is an understatement. She is lonely, depressed and doing the worst thing you can ever do which is to look back on your life with regret. I ache for her. I know that I am not the problem. I have a spiritual nature and when I come across a problem that is too big for me to handle I give it up to a higher power, to the universe, to God. When I try to convey my thoughts to her she cannot hear and won’t even listen, not being able to see the forest for the trees.

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And so I meditated and prayed for answers. The next day my son who lives in Houston, Texas called and I told him all about our troubles and Lara’s depression. His first words out of his mouth were,” Mom, don’t worry about a thing. We’re family. And I will do my best. I promise to take care of you and Lara and I don’t want you to give another thought about it. It’s done.” My answer was given and Ryan said, “your lumberjack is on the way.”, referring to the forest and the trees. Bless his heart. He is an optimistic being and an old soul. Even when he was in first grade he would try to solve problems of his classmates and in third grade his teacher told me that he would mediate between kids who were having disputes on the playground. He is a wise one.

The next day when she came home from work Lara told me that she had decided to go to therapy which I’m thrilled about so that she can speak to someone other than me about her feelings and about what is stopping her from moving on. She puts in long hours at work as a business analyst and is up to her forehead with the corporate world and yet she gets paid well and is afraid to leave her job because she is taking care of me and owning a home can be a never ending money pit.

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Last night  Lara and Ryan, my son, spoke on the phone for a long time and now I believe she is feeling some relief knowing that she is not alone and that our problems have a solution. This too shall pass. Meditation is the most marvelous tool to get through life, to find answers and to have prayers fulfilled. I am blessed. And I am grateful.

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