There is a fine line, I am finding, between being at complete peace with myself and wanting to beat the living crap out of myself. I really don’t need anyone else to help me do the pummeling because I do a fine job of berating myself, chewing myself out and giving myself holy hell, all by myself, no one else in sight One of the main areas that I have been working on myself is just that. Forgiving myself and to move on. However, my brain fog has seemed to shut me down and slapped me in the face lately and I can’t seem to get a goddamned thing done.
Procrastination seems to be a problem for me as though I’ve got all rest of my life to do all things that I mean to. Hogwash! What the hell am I thinking? I am 61 years old. Although I am blessed with good genes I don’t look a day over 50… Or so I’ve been told. Still that does not leave me all a lot of time to accomplish what needs to be done. The oldest woman in the United States is 114 years. She is astonishing and states that her secrets to longevity are God, love, and eating pig’s feet! I just love that! And if that is the case, I am just a little over halfway through this lifetime. Although I balk at pigs feet…
When I was growing up as a kid, I thought life would l go on forever and I could not wait to be an adult and not have to do homework anymore and not have to spend half of my precious Saturday helping clean the house., And now, I am paralyzed in a wheelchair and can’t go to the bathroom by myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. This is not a boo-hoo drama or a poor me deposition. I am just saying… When you get to an age when you start thinking about what you want to accomplish before your time on this Earth is finished, it makes you realize how precious was the time you’ve already had and what a waste it would be not to rev up the pace, to do everything that makes you happy and joyful and spread a little love.
I just had a flash go through my mind of when the I was a little kid on a poor farm in North Dakota and how much my siblings and I used to love going outside and splashing around in the warm summer rain. It was delicious and we would come back into the house all dirty and muddy and happy and ecstatic. Laughing and giggling, as if that were the best thing in the world. And it was.. I did not know it then, but I do now. That living in that pure moment of joy with not a care in the world is what Life is meant to be for all of us.
We are not meant to be here on earth to be gloomy and depressed and sad and alone. God meant for us to live ecstatically and it is up to each one of us to create and believe that it can be so no matter what our age, religious beliefs or how fat or thin we are. We are all meant to be rain splashers.
I am looking back at what my life has been up to right here and right now I am pleased. It’s not been easy. Some parts of been horrifying, unpleasant, frightening, and there have been times when I have defied death. Those have been times of my greatest growth. At times when I see how strong I am, when I can see my fortitude and the strength that I have gained from making it through and have made me grateful for growing up poor and the stamina I gained from my Pioneer ancestors.
I am no longer physically active. And so I do my damnedest to be mentally active, to read voraciously to eat as nature intended, to spread as much love as I can in the world and to be a tiny beacon for those around me.
You can read more funny, sad, tender, real-life stories of my life lived with MS in my book, Potty Mouth.
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renaeclare@twitter and on my blog page right here http://thepottymouthbook.me/If you are interested in learning more about how to get my book, if you want an inspiring story, if you have a love of reading or if you need information about disabilities check out the Potty Mouth website. Thank you so much and I wish you well. http://www.thepottymouthbook.com/
- Front Cover