Judge Judy has officially become the Captain of the Grammar Police. There are of course several reasons why you do not want to end up on that particular program. The first of course is public humiliation. The second is she will not stand for any your shit. And, of course, they do not keep her there because she is beautiful, they keep her there because she is smart.
It is amazing how many people end up on that show and do not do their homework before they go! Some people just never learn.
Here are some basic tips should you ever find yourself in the position of meeting her Judgeship in person, in her sacred ground, a court in session.
1. Dress appropriately, as if you are actually going to court and not as if you are interviewing for a reality show about hookers and gangbangers.
2 2. Bring all of your appropriate paperwork with you because if you don’t she will put you through the ringer. She will ask you questions such as “ Did you think you were going to go to the circus today ? Or you didn’t think this is going to be easy did you?” with a look on her face as she stares through you as if you just shat on the floor.
3. . Do not be a wise ass because she hates nothing more that someone who will try to outshine her. The court is her playground and she will have no-nonsense.
4. And most importantly, please, please, please, know your basic proper grammar! Judge Judy will make you look so foolish, ignorant and uneducated that you will want to sink through the floor and move to another planet.
I have added here just some of the grammatical horrors that people have actually used when speaking to Judge Judy. Such foolishness!
1. . When asked a yes or no question he or she will answer. Yup.
2. . When asked a yes or no question he or she will answer. Nope OR nah.
3. . When asked a question concerning a date or time do not your start your sentence with Uh, because Uh is not an answer! You must be able to answer your question spontaneously and not take any time to think about what you’re going to say next.
4. . Speak loudly and clearly and do not mumble. She is getting older and can’t hear as well as she used to and doesn’t have time for your nonsense. She has bigger fish to fry.She will say this to you as she is staring into your soul and tapping loudly on her watch.
5. . For some ungodly reason people generally think they’re going to get over on Judge Judy. She has been in the legal business for Lord knows how many years and no one will ever get over on her so wipe that stupid, smarmy look off your face.
6. Keep that smirk, that smile, that silly looking grin off of your face. This is a court. This is not fun.
7. . When someone says something particularly incriminating she will tell you in no uncertain terms that that it is like fishing in a kiddie pool as she looks at her court officer, Bird and smiles wickedly. He will look up from his crossword puzzle and agree with her wholeheartedly. As he smiles wickedly back.
8. . Make sure that you are up to date on your child-support payments before you go to court., Otherwise she will rip your tonsils or testicles out without anesthesia and send you to prison for nonpayment. There is nothing you can say to her that will make any difference if you don’t take care of your kids.
9. 9. Judge Judy can spot if you are taking drugs from approximately a 5 mile radius. This will not go well for you.
1 10. Many people get so riled up and try to talk over Judge Judy. Her response, as she starts to scream is usually, ” Are you trying to talk over me? This is my court room, you are not going to talk over me. Take out your listening ears and Listen for a change. Maybe you will learn something, although I doubt it.” No one has ever talked over Our Dear Judge Judy.
11. And God help the teenager who shows up in her courtroom, either as one who has done wrong or as a witness. She will ask if you know when a teenager is lying. Answer: When their mouth is moving. That’s when you know when a teenager is lying.
Since having become one of the “Highest Paid Women in Television History”
according to Wikipedia.org and Forbes.com, “Judge Judy” Sheindlin became one of the “Highest Paid Woman in Television History” once she signed a four-year contract for $100 million in 2004. Since that time, “Judy Judy” has renewed her contract so her fans can expect to see her outrageous highness through the year 2009.
Also, her calculated $95 million net worth makes “Judge Judy” the “13th Richest Woman in the Entertainment Industry”, according to Fortune Magazine. She has the number one highest-rated syndicated television show and has recently renewed her contact until 2017! And I for one am happy because I am addicted to Judge Judy! It is one of those shows that makes me feel so incredibly normal. Not to mention extremely well educated, pretty damn smart, and superbly well spoken.…
You can read more funny, sad, tender, real-life stories of my life lived with MS in my book, Potty Mouth.
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