My Brother in Arms… Stephen Hawking
The following poem entitled “Stuck”, is the first writing that I showed to Dr.
Cinzia Levalds, PHD when we first met. When she asked me why I was
there and why I needed help I told her I had lost my sense of self, my
spiritual self, and the real me, who was hidden by so much
baggage and so much of the past that I had been dragging
around with me for the past fifty-seven years of my unsure
and guilt ridden life. It was exhausting and sapping my
creativity, my liveliness, my joyfulness, my independence,
and my reason for living. And I longed to get all of that
I’m stuck in this chair with wheels
and legs that don’t work,
and I’m stuck in this body that won’t move
when I tell it to, yell it to, scream it to, cry and
weep and sob it to.
Circuitry gone awry;
No way out, no way in, no way around or between or
What to do; succumb, retreat, relent,
seep inside the self, the mind, the soul,
try to find peace, acceptance, dignity, joy, religion,
a reason to live; some love, some hope, some courage,
some faith, some miracle, some thing
that will relieve the ache of being forevermore.
Having lived with multiple sclerosis for the past 40 years and having been divorced for my husband who left the because of my disease had hit me hard. Going to therapy to seek help was a huge step for me and a godsend. I feel so grateful to have found a therapist who is just perfect for me. She is a rare soul who deals specifically with people who have MS or with chronic disease.
Before every one of our sessions. I would write something\ and over the period of time I Dr. suggested that I compiled all my writings into a manuscript and get them published. It took some persuading but I did it! However, after about being halfway completed my project I developed a perforated ulcer and spent the next eight months in the hospital and in rehab centers.
I spent 2 1/2 years in therapy and learned so very much bring that course of time. I learned not feel sorry for myself, not to be self pitying, to value myself no matter what shape my body is, to live a life of gratitude and to follow the spiritual path to which my eyes have been opened.
Because of having:gone through all of the that heartache and because of all of the writings that I did I was able to actually write a book which I and titled Potty Mouth. Were it not for all the tribulations I certainly need never would have thought that I would be a published author. God certainly works in mysterious ways.
The very last words that I’ve written in my book is the poem I have listed below. I have entitled it Nevermore Stuck
The poem depicts how I feel after almost two years of therapy and shedding the
fear and grief and shame little by little along the way. The
therapy sessions took me in directions that I never would
have imagined could have such a huge impact on how I
shaped and lived my life. I have gone from a place of being
totally lost and stuck to a place where I have actually written
a fucking good book in which I relive and share my insights
for the whole world to see. It’s been a long and painful road.
I am not there yet, but I know I am on the right path,
so I will just keep stumbling along, or rolling along in my
wheelchair, as the case may be.
Where once I was stuck
in this chair with wheels and in legs that don’t work,
and in this body that won’t move when I tell it to,
yell it to, scream it to, cry, and weep and beg it to.
Circuitry still gone awry.
And yet I am stuck no more.
I found a way out, a way in, a way around
and between and through.
I now know what to do;
I have succumbed, retreated, relented;
I have seeped inside myself, my mind, my soul
I have found peace, acceptance, dignity, joy,
spiritual self, a reason to live, love, hope, courage,
faith, miracles, something that has relieved the
ache so that I will be
You can find more pictures and my thoughts on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/RenaeClare
and on Twitter@twitter.com/renaeclare
and on my blog page right here http://thepottymouthbook.me/
If you are interested in learning more about how to get my book, if you want an inspiring story, if you have a love of reading or if you need information about disabilities check out the Potty Mouth website. Thank you so much and I wish you well! http://www.thepottymouthbook.com/