This is my brain on MS. It is on overload. It is filled to the brim with terrorists, including spasms, paralysis, optic neuritis, numbness, brain fog, dizziness, pain, tingling, sleeplessness, fatigue, extreme charlie horses, aching, stumbling, loss of bladder control, stiffness, feelings of electrocution, confusion, depression, sadness, weariness, fear and a myriad of other symptoms that are too numerous to mention in this one little rant.
It is no wonder that I need a variety of drugs and various other coping mechanisms just to get going. And thank God for all of those including the pharmaceuticals to help control the uncontrollable spasms and extremely painful charlie horses. And the sleeping pills that help me get some rest.
And the antidepressants that keep me from weeping uncontrollably at inappropriate and unexpected moments throughout the day. I used to be one of those people who never even took an aspirin until I finally relented and got some relief from the god-awful symptoms and was able to enjoy my life in bigger and better ways.
On a good day my mind isn’t quite as faulty as others and I can get my brain to turn out at least a little bit of butter…. oh no! I mean a little bit BETTER than others. My voice recognition program doesn’t always hear me correctly or possibly just ignores me and thinks it has a mind of its own. Damn machine!
On the worst days I feel like I’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and although I don’t want to show it to anybody else, I know what is going on in my body. And I don’t fucking like it.
And as the saying goes, I was never promised a rose garden. I certainly never expected a truck full of terrorists trying to tip me over, trip me up, and push me down a 200 foot cliff. The very worst part of multiple sclerosis, and I’m sure for anyone with a disability, for me anyway, is not wanting to be a burden to anyone else. And so I keep a lot of my feelings inside, and try to hide my horrible symptoms the best that I can.
I put on my happy face, and I push myself a little more each day trying to get as much done as I can, and I pray for the strength to keep on going. And hallelujah, I keep on moving forward at my own pace and in my own time. I’ve learned not to rush myself. I’ve learned to forgive myself. I’ve learned how to keep going no matter what the load that I carry or what those fucking terrorists try to do to me. They may be winning the battle but I am winning the war.
Press the link below in order to see information about the book that I have written, Potty Mouth and a little more information about me, as the author. The book is now available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Author House and other reputable booksellers. AND… you can get the book as an e-book or as a softcover. AND…I am donating a percentage of all book sales to the National MS Society because I want this nasty terrorizing disease to fall into oblivion never to be seen or heard from again. And the faster the better!