As I get older I am less and less afraid to do things that I used to be terrified to do. However the older I get the less I am physically able to do things that I used to be so afraid to do in the first place. Quite a dilemma! A catch 22, a pain in the ass, a punch in the gut.
I used to be a terribly shy person. I was afraid to voice my opinion, to speak my mind or to raise my hand in class. I could beat myself up about all of this but somewhere along the way I made the choice to look at it as lessons learned in order to move forward in my life and not be stuck in a place of fear and self-loathing. What a waste of precious time that is. And what a lot of physical and mental energy it takes to hide in the shadows and keep berating myself over and over again.
And besides that I don’t deserve it! I don’t deserve to have anybody calling me names or telling me that I’m stupid or telling me that I’m not good enough. And least of all me…to be giving myself negative input or letting myself believe that I don’t deserve to have wonderful things come my way. I’ve got to put the kibosh on that right away and get on with living and find all the joy that is right in my face!
Yes, I live my life in a wheelchair and I live my life with an incurable disease, multiple sclerosis. But that does not mean I have brought it upon myself, that if some sort of karma because I’ve done something horrible in a past lifetime or that I deserve this in any way shape or form. That is just nonsense!
I’m working very hard lately on moving, on letting go of the past and lightening up. There the days that I just feel so gloomy and dark and heavy hearted. and I don’t know where it comes from because in another 15 minutes I can feel totally different and enlightened. I suspect it has something to do with MS and the mood swings that go with that monster. And although I don’t like to use multiple sclerosis as an excuse there are moments where I just relent to it and give it up to a higher power because sometimes it just seems too much to bear.
Okay Renae, snap out of it! Looking at everything as it stands right now, everything is okay in my world.
So now what I am able to do is to get up every morning and have a goal. I have a plan for the day and I felt somehow that I am being led to places that will make me stronger and places that take one strength and courage to get there. Instead of looking at the radio and magazine interviews as scary I am now seeing them with optimism and knowing that I have an important message to deliver and a strong voice with which to spread it.
The message is to let as many people as possible know about MS and I carry this beast around with me every single day and still find purpose and fulfillment in my days.
Potty Mouth is the book that I have written! It is in softcover and as an e-book and I am very proud ! It is a memoir of a life lived for 40 years with MS. If we to the course of therapy and any time a person go to a therapy or writes about personal things you could learn an immense amount of “stuff” about yourself. You take so much courage and I have so much invested in my life story. Even though it was incredibly hard to write my goal is to generate and that I don’t others to find their own courage and drove past. The book is now available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Author House and other booksellers!