I’m having a really hard time lately getting my thoughts together. They are not just fragmented or shredded, they are just nonexistent. And by lately I mean the last several months. In our very inclusive MS circles where we discriminate against no one it’s known as brain fog and that is almost indescribable because it comes in starts and stops. It takes me a very long time to organize what I mean to say in a way that makes any sense at all.
So I have finally written and published Potty Mouth which is a huge accomplishment. I am proud of myself and yet I have such a trepidation about what the reception will be. I sent copies off to Rodney, Rhonda, Roslyn, Reed, and Russell. All of my brothers and sisters. So far Rhonda is the only one who has read the book that I know of and she has said that she is so very touched and the book brought her to tears. I’m worried that my dad will read the book and I really do not want him to because some of the book is quite harsh towards him. Now here is something that I am so terribly proud of and yet I don’t want my own father to read it! How fucked up is that?
And then there is the chapter about my brother who is now going to read about it and God knows what is going to come of that. Even though he lives in Washington state and I hardly have any contact with him I am still thinking of him getting to that chapter and trying to read my words through his filter. And what the fuck is that all about?
There are several people that I keep in contact with through Facebook would have already read the book and told me that it is very inspirational and that they see me as a very brave woman. And yet I don’t feel like that. I don’t feel brave in the way that paraplegics are or in the way that people who get through much worse hardships than I ever have a such an inspiration to me. I am reading Mark Vonnegut book, The Eden Express. He has lived a life as schizophrenia and his book is so amazing and so heartbreaking that makes me want to cry right now just thinking about it. And I’m only halfway through.
I am doing the very best I can try to market my book through social networks and there are so many inspiring websites trying to do so much good in the world and I am just focused on the ones that deal with multiple sclerosis. There are thousands of them. And I am so glad that I started to focus on them because they are truly truly inspiring me not to be a whiny little bitch and to keep on truckin. Which reminds me, Lara and I have been watching Ice Road Truckers on Netflix and put these guys go through, willingly is just mind-boggling! Of course they do it for the money because why else would they risk their lives every day to do what they do, up near the North Pole pulling 30 ton loads of equipment to remote out posts of Alaska in -50° weather and driving on ice roads merely 35 inches thick.
I get up every morning thinking about how I am going to go about doing what I need to do for my book. Which on the one hand is so wonderful that I have a focus. That I am actually in communication with other people who have MS and I have a blog where I must focus on writing things that actually make sense.
And all the other end of the scale I wake up some morning with worry and angst and frustration with myself for having this God damn brain fog! I realize it’s the MS talking and that in the great scheme of things this means absolutely nothing. I know that my worrying is counterproductive and that if I just relax and stop fretting about the little things, do the best I can and realize that I am a child of God, and I am certainly on the right path. That as long as I am doing good, even in my little corner of the world where I am isolated and rarely even get out of the house, I still reach out to people even while living in this God damn fucking fog.
If you are interested in learning more about how to get my book, if you have MS and want an inspiring story, if you have a love of reading or if you need information about disabilities check out the Potty Mouth website. Thank you so much and I wish you well! http://www.thepottymouthbook.com/