This is Vincent van Gogh’s famous painting Corridor in the Asylum. This is what it feels like to be disabled with multiple sclerosis. Van Gogh did not have MS but he did have demons lurking at him with every step he took. Ironic, isn’t it, that he colored his painting in various shades of orange? My demons are creepy, evil and often times unseen. I never can tell what new symptom will attack at any given moment nor can I tell what it is, waiting to pounce on me at the end of the long dark corridor.
Never would I think that my body would attack itself. That a mistake of this magnitude could lead me to the asylum where every movement is unsure and so many moments are unkind. I am so sick of this goddamn fucking monster trying to shrivel me into nothingness. But I can’t and I won’t let that happen. My body is weak and aching and now, in a wheelchair. And yet my spirit is strong and as long as I have breath in me I will write and I will use my mind to the best of my ability. I will share what I can with whomever will listen and I will be an inspiration if only to myself.
Lately I’ve felt gloomier than normal. I have felt more of a weight on my shoulders perhaps because it is taking longer than expected for my book Potty Mouth to be released to be put on the bookshelves for sale. I’ve been spending so much time, energy and angst worrying about the logistics of getting a book on the market. Bad enough for anyone without a debilitating disease but add in MS and it seems unconquerable.
Of course, I will get there one way or another. I always do, I will put one wheel in front of the other and keep on rolling along. I will plaster my smile on my face and with each small triumph I will rejoice. I will say a silent prayer of thanks for another day accomplished and know that tomorrow is always a blessing.
Here is the link for the book I have written; I keep saying it will be coming out shortly and it is always delayed a little more and then a little more still. Just know that every time I say it I mean it The only one I am stringing along his myself.