Today is one of those days. One of those days when I need all the inspiration I can get.
I don’t know why I couldn’t sleep last night. I just couldn’t. Maybe three hours total which is very unusual for me considering the fact that I take pain pills and sleeping pills and God knows what else. Medication can help the spasms and blah blah blah. So, anyway, today I feel really out of it. I feel like a slug, can’t think of what to do and I don’t want to do anything. Not only that but I have a stomachache probably because of the extra pain medication I took at six o’clock in the morning. What the hell is wrong with me today? And why should today be different than any of the day? No answer to that one that’s for sure and I feel really shitty for it. I thought I was hungry but I could hardly eat anything; one piece of toast with cheddar cheese and now my stomach hurts. God damn I’m whiny today but only to myself. I don’t want to verbalize to anybody else because the worst part of MS is being dependent on other people and I would rather suffer in silence than to be a burden.
I think it’s time to get back to Dr. Cinzia, my psychologist. Depression is starting to weigh heavily and the more depressed I get the more I hide, the more I absorb the discomfort and the further I dig into my self-absorbed cave. It’s dark in here and dank and very lonely. I feel myself starting to get weepy and once the tears start it becomes an all day affair trying to stuff them back down into the well that they came from.
Could that be part of the reason I am feeling so weary today? Could that be the reason why it didn’t sleep well last night? Could that be the reason why I actually thought of how I would be better off spending my life? It was a fleeting thought that he made it sound so comforting, so much better than having this fucking disease and getting through this fucking life time. To let my spirit free and not have to worry about being in a wheelchair and not being able to walk or use the left side of my body and worried that even that appendage is getting weaker.
The thing is I am a basically spiritual person and I know that I have many more lifetimes to come and this one will also end. I know that time is fleeting and that everything passes,Tomorrow is another day and I will feel a lot better. I’ll take a nap and I will feel a lot better. For now I will meditate and sink inside to find my higher being, my real self. My guardian angels will help me to get through this and already it is starting to wane and I feel the loneliness lifting. It’s important to get the dark feelings out. Sometimes I cram them deeper and deeper inside of me so that even my toes hurt. Even my fingertips hurt.That’s no way to live and so I will make an appointment to see my beautiful Dr. Cinzia . I can’t do this alone. I need help.
I know things could be worse. I could be a burn victim or a violent crime victim with stabbed wounds or have incurable cancer and that certainly would be worse. So I really should not be feeling sorry for myself and I should count my blessings which I do every now and then. I thank God for my caretakers and for the people who love me and for my eyesight and for Life-line and Dragon voice recognition program. So many things that are right in my world that if I spend time thinking about those things I won’t feel so gloomy and messed up. I’ll get a good nights sleep. I’ll make an appointment with Dr.Cinzia, I’ll take my vitamins and take care of myself. Life is looking good again.check out the website below. It will give you all the information about my new book coming out and about me. All kinds of good stuff and thank you for looking