I’m looking for a place where I belong in this world, a place where Multiple Sclerosis doesn’t matter. I am antsy and constantly looking for something to keep me busy so that I feel as though I have accomplished something during the course of a day. Being paralyzed and in a wheelchair, I am no longer able to work. Some days it’s a chore just getting up in the morning and by mid afternoon I’m exhausted and need to lie down.
I have written a book entitled Potty Mouth which is in the process of production. I sent it off to an editor. I found the book cover that I’m interested in and I am waiting to hear from the artist. I’m reading and looking online how to blog, how to submit articles, how to write a newsletter, and how to post on social networks and I am doing it all in order to find my self-worth and my self- respect which I seem to have lost along the way. I probably, like so many things, dropped them on the floor and ran over them with my chair and have broken them all to hell. MS is a bitch on steel wheels and it all seems like a little too much. I am feeling overwhelmed.
I am lonely and it sucks and I am constantly looking for something more.
Sad and gloomy are not words I would use to describe myself. I am usually upbeat and optimistic although once in a while I am teary, weary, and worn. Today is one of those days and I don’t want to waste time not being present. If I look at everything as it is right here and now, I am fine (and dandy); I am busy, and working, and when my mind is active I am not even thinking about the things that are bothering me. The spasms and pains and depression are diminished at the moment and I am more than an MS patient I am Renae Clare; a funny, active, woman/writer.
It’s been a good week and I got lots of things accomplished. Tomorrow promises to be another good day so I will put on my happy face and take my medication and rise up against all of the symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis and see if I can find a place where MS just doesn’t matter.